andwhoareyousweetheart: (Fall Out Boy)
[personal profile] andwhoareyousweetheart
Title: Smiles Like Ritalin
Rating: PG-13 (for language and discussion of attempted suicide)
Pairing: General (vague Pete/Patrick)
POV: Third Person (Pete centric)
Summary: Pete can’t believe his ticket to the big time came in the form of a stupid, young, perfect boy with the initials “PMS”, but it has.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. This is fiction, nothing less, nothing more.
A/N: This probably shouldn't see the light of day. Short, angsty drabble. Also not very good, in my opinion, but... *shrugs* (Title and cut text by Marianas Trench.)

They’re young and stupid and insane in the back of some van in the middle of somewhere when Pete first thinks it, when he looks over at Patrick and his mind somehow forms into, “This is you, you, PatrickPatrickPatrick.” Pete can’t believe his ticket to the big time came in the form of a stupid, young, perfect boy with the initials “PMS”, but it has, and he can feel it, bigger than him and the rest of them and.

He thinks it when they play their first show and Pete can’t help but press up against him for the bridge, breathe him in deep so he won’t forget it, not evereverever. Because this is him and this is Patrick and this is a fucking moment on a fucking stage, surrounded by bright lights and drum beats and Joe spinning wildly and everything, everything. Just, everything.

He thinks it after they win their first award, Patrick flushed and confused and, “What the fuck, dude, what the actual fuck?” and sort-of ridiculously Patrick in the heat of the moment. He almost thinks it out loud, almost says, “Patrick, you could do, do better.” but doesn’t because it’s not fair, really. Joe and Andy could do better, honestly, they could. Pete couldn’t, but that’s old knowledge, and that’s not why they’re here.

He thinks it six hundred thousand million times, Patrick here, Patrick doing this, that, anything, thinks half-consciously, “This is all you, Patrick, just –“. He thinks it and never says it out loud, just sneaks into his bunk at night to try and sleep, always stays with him as the song winds down, defends him when he needs it and supports him when he doesn't.

He thinks it a lot, too much, maybe, but it’s nothing like that night, because –

Because. Because he hasn’t slept in fucking ever and he’s sick of everything and there’s this big part of him screaming just loud enough for him but no one else to hear. He’s going crazy, alone, sick and spiralling, and Patrick’s constant presence, his, “Why, Pete, I don’t fucking understand why!” isn’t helping, and.

And he’s not going to bother with it anymore, because he knows he’s holding them down; holding them back. They can do better, do more, and Patrick, his Patrick – he’s not going to prevent Patrick from being the best fucking ever producer or some shit like that.

So he doesn’t leave a note, just takes the pills, thinks in blurriness that they should have Patrick’s name on them and not his because that irony would be beautiful, and “Hallelujah” is on the radio and that’s ironic, too. He thinks about nights where Patrick would soothe him and whisper in his ear that it was all okay and days when he would laugh, laugh, laugh, so big and bright and better than him, better than this, and Pete thinks, yeah.

Yeah, he thinks, I’m pretty sure this is the right choice.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-19 02:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Mem. For sure.

This was insanely good. So Pete-sounding. And I really don't even know what to say. Just know that it was amazingly amazing enough to go in my mems. Yeah. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-19 02:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you :D I was trying to go for writer-Pete, you know, the angsty-effed-up-dark-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-me Pete, so hopefully I did okay.


(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-19 02:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You mean as if Pete were writing/thinking all of this? Because that's how I totally read it. The repeating of certain words, like he's not sure how or what he wants to say...just very Pete-like. You win, Hols. You. Win.

I'm glad you're going to enter the "fine arts department" at college (or uni, because you're Canadian :P)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-19 05:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yes. Exactly what I was going for. Originally I was going to write this in all lower case with minimal punctuation in ~true Wentz style, but I just couldn't do it. I am a grammer freak.

And thank you. I may have to write more angsty Pete <3

(Wait a sec... Do you guys not have university in the US? WTF? For real? We have both up here :P)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-19 10:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
LOL! That would have been hilarious. Pete blog style. Someone needs to do this.

You have to write more angsty anything, because you're just so damn good at it. <3

(Yes, we just don't call it "going to university" or uni. It's just "going to college." I do believe that 'universities' are more prestigious than just 'colleges' (coughcoughCommunityLikeMinecoughcough),but it's still all the same *shrugs* Unless I've missed out on SOMETHING REAL BIG...I just haven't noticed a difference, really)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-19 03:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I've actually read a couple like that. Insane. It'd actually be so much effort though, haha. Just to make it sound Pete-ish.

Aw, thank you <3

Ah I see. Sorry, I was just curious. And I don't really think there's any difference between uni and college or community college. Up here we don't have community, as far as I know, but the only difference between our uni and college is the courses they offer. No real big difference. Most colleges nowadays have all the same degrees as our universities anways *shrugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-19 07:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I think it's that down here, college and university is pretty much synonymous. Our community college is like your 'college.' Like I have to transfer to a university next year to finish my degree. Can't do it all here. So maybe that's it? lol idk. And don't apologize! I'm curious now too!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-19 10:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This makes sense to me. Cool. Look, the things we're learning :P

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-19 03:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
oh. oh. wow. this was seriously one of the best things i have read by you Hols. So good. I love it. I really *saw* *heard* *understood* your Pete. Very real. Perfecto!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-19 05:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you <3 I have about 20 unfinished Pete drabbles sitting on my harddrive. I like writing him. You can be all run-on sentences and words that don't quite fit and it still works okay :P

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-19 08:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
so I had this whole comment written out
about how I loved this & I wanted you to post more of your pete drabble...
it prased you and your writing a lot
when i pressed post my internet explorer messed it was deleted.

so you get the readers digest version =/

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-19 03:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That's perfectly okay, darling. It does that to me all the time. Internet Explorer is a bitch sometimes :/

And thank you <3 I'm glad you liked it.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-25 03:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Wow. I really like it. The way you write and Pete and Patrick and - It's just so beautiful and sad. ): I really really like it.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-25 05:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you very much <3 I'm glad you liked it.


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